Stuck In Kansas...Literally

Highway 50 is a quaint highway that will get you from one side of Kansas to the other with relative ease. The road has a smooth, paved surface, two lanes of opposing traffic with the occasional passing lane, and miles of farm land for visual stimulation. Yes, friends, the road through Kansas is a fine road. However, when one ventures off the road a pinch too far, one might find themselves unlucky. That someone today was driving a Ford Econoline Van towing a trailer filled with the luggage of 30 cyclists. That someone was me.

I turned off of highway 50 up a dirt road that had eighteen wheelers driving on it. I figured that if they could drive it, so could I. The road was not the problem, the fact that I needed to make a u-turn was. As I precariously steered a little off the dirt road I started to feel that uncomfortable skid that comes with the loss of traction. I feathered the gas ever so slightly hoping to to "float" my way out, but I did not have enough momentum and I started sinking in instead of heading out.

After exhausting the English language of all of it's four letter words I started to problem solve. I couldn't call a tow truck for two reasons: I am a man, and it's not my van. Not having a shovel, I started to dig. All I had to work with was a one foot cube of wood we use to prop the trailer up when it is unhooked from the van, so I needed to dig a good portion around the tire in order to fit the block under the tire to get some traction. I dug for twenty minutes or so and after placing the block under the tire I took a second to appreciate how much earth I had moved with my bare hands. Then I started the van, placed it in drive, gave it some gas, and watched the block fly out and the wheel sink deeper. Awesome. I quickly realized that there is creek in Kansas named Shit, and I was up Shit Creek, without a paddle.

I made the most painful phone call I have had to make this trip to the ride leader to let her know that I was stuck. She gave me the phone number of a local tow company and Glen came out and pulled me back on the road. I asked Glen, "so how many city boys do you pull out of the sand a day?" To which he replied,"enough to have been doing this for thirty years without missing a pay raise." I liked Glen.

Luckily I had "Miss Kittie's Wild West Variety Show" to look forward to over in the Boot Hill region of Dodge City when I finally got into town. Miss Kittie's is a comedy show set in an old wild west saloon with Chuck the bartender and Miss Kittie, who runs the house of ill repute, hosting the event. As one of the riders put it,"it is like watching a middle school play except your child is not in it." It was fairly bad, or at least the out of tune piano and off key singers were. We all had a great time, though, and it made for a nice way to break up the normal nightly routine. I used it as a great way to forget the fact that hours earlier I was lying on my belly under a van digging into the ground with my bare hands in the sweltering Kansas heat. I will not soon forget the intersection of highway 50 and Mennonite Rd. Ah, Kansas...

I have a crappy internet connection but I will post pics of the van stuck later.